Insane Insomniac

pmon3y69:

the most important two pictures on the internet

hellabutts:

nocogsorwheels:

e-m-e-t-t:

Red? I think it’s red. 

I basically did this once and it’s how I got pink eye.

I can’t tell if you’re making a pun or if you’re telling an actual story.

Either way, I’m still laughing.

prokopetz:

This is the one time of year that I love wasps.
Not because the wasps themselves get any nicer. They’re horrid little creatures year round. No, it’s because I have a couple of big apple trees out back, and late August, early September is when the apples start ripening.
Now, if you don’t harvest your own fruit, there are two things you need to know about apples.
The first thing you need to know about apples is that, when apples get ripe, they tend to fall from the tree at the slightest breeze.
I often work late at the office; by the time I get home, there are piles of apples scattered everywhere - and sure enough, the wasps are out in force, gorging themselves on the fruit. When I go to clean up the windfallen apples, the wasps naturally do the “rawr, I’ma fuck you up!” routine for which wasps are known.
The second thing you need to know about apples is that they ferment very rapidly in the late August heat.
So: the wasps try to come at me, but they’re too drunk to fly. They get about an inch off the ground, then faceplant directly into the turf, flip over onto their backs, and lay there, legs twitching in the air as they try in vain to find something to sting.
Perhaps I’m a man of simple pleasures, but I bust up laughing every. single. time.
Fucking wasps.

prokopetz:

This is the one time of year that I love wasps.

Not because the wasps themselves get any nicer. They’re horrid little creatures year round. No, it’s because I have a couple of big apple trees out back, and late August, early September is when the apples start ripening.

Now, if you don’t harvest your own fruit, there are two things you need to know about apples.

The first thing you need to know about apples is that, when apples get ripe, they tend to fall from the tree at the slightest breeze.

I often work late at the office; by the time I get home, there are piles of apples scattered everywhere - and sure enough, the wasps are out in force, gorging themselves on the fruit. When I go to clean up the windfallen apples, the wasps naturally do the “rawr, I’ma fuck you up!” routine for which wasps are known.

The second thing you need to know about apples is that they ferment very rapidly in the late August heat.

So: the wasps try to come at me, but they’re too drunk to fly. They get about an inch off the ground, then faceplant directly into the turf, flip over onto their backs, and lay there, legs twitching in the air as they try in vain to find something to sting.

Perhaps I’m a man of simple pleasures, but I bust up laughing every. single. time.

Fucking wasps.

I’d say go to hell, but I never want to see you again.
Sylvia Plath  (via drunkblogging)
eternify:

This is so fucking real

eternify:

This is so fucking real

ermathursty:

saw this tip jar at my Dairy Queen today and lost it at tipiosa

ermathursty:

saw this tip jar at my Dairy Queen today and lost it at tipiosa

When contemplating a $15.00 purchase
10-year-old me: Wow idk that's a lot of money
15-year-old me: Kickass, that's so cheap
20-year-old me: Wow idk that's a lot of money

poppunkvampire:

nose boops

thecutestofthecute:

Animals that look like toasted marshmallows are just the greatest. 

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Buns can be toasted marshmallows

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And so can cats.

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Dogs can also be toasty marshmallows..

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Oh my god. THE FLOOF.

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Toasted marshmallows everyone.

I want to marry you and annoy you for the rest of your life.
(via the-real-gold)
gayeskimos:

If you do not know what this picture is; let me inform you. In the late 50’s when abortion was completely illegal, women would resort to using household items to have a self-given abortion. These items included  bleach, wire hangers, and cleaning products.  So, would you rather save unborn cells, like the ones that come off your feet or body, millions at a time, or save a woman who might end up curing a life-threatening disease?  Do we really wanna step 60 years back?

gayeskimos:

If you do not know what this picture is; let me inform you. In the late 50’s when abortion was completely illegal, women would resort to using household items to have a self-given abortion. These items included bleach, wire hangers, and cleaning products. So, would you rather save unborn cells, like the ones that come off your feet or body, millions at a time, or save a woman who might end up curing a life-threatening disease? Do we really wanna step 60 years back?

gayeskimos:

If you do not know what this picture is; let me inform you. In the late 50’s when abortion was completely illegal, women would resort to using household items to have a self-given abortion. These items included  bleach, wire hangers, and cleaning products.  So, would you rather save unborn cells, like the ones that come off your feet or body, millions at a time, or save a woman who might end up curing a life-threatening disease?  Do we really wanna step 60 years back?

gayeskimos:

If you do not know what this picture is; let me inform you. In the late 50’s when abortion was completely illegal, women would resort to using household items to have a self-given abortion. These items included bleach, wire hangers, and cleaning products. So, would you rather save unborn cells, like the ones that come off your feet or body, millions at a time, or save a woman who might end up curing a life-threatening disease? Do we really wanna step 60 years back?

amazighprincex:

[Image: a series of tweets by justified agitator (@Awkward_Duck) on August 19, 2014.

1:23 AM: We literally laid in someone’s backyard for what seemed like an eternity while tanks rolled down the streets #Ferguson

1:26 AM: I’m live tweeting because there’s a media blackout. #Ferguson

1:33 AM: I’m so shaken. They’re literally just rolling around throwing tear gas into neighborhoods-not aggressive crowds. #Ferguson

1:34 AM: I was pouring milk over one guys eyes when they came back around and threw another at us. #Ferguson

1:51 AM: Let me repeat, THEY ARE GASSING NEIGHBORHOODS not crowds of protestors.There was only a few of us walking. there is no curfew, so why?]

narwhal-noir:

I took my girlfriend to an improv show the other night and during intermission we were passionately arguing over whether half a 5 Hour Energy shot would give you 2.5 hours of energy or 5 hours of half-assed energy so we turned around to ask the opinions of the three people behind us and one of them said “Are all your arguments like this because we heard you in the lobby earlier fighting over the right way to pronounce ‘egg’?”